Fantasy Roast

Another ‘quon Bites the Dust (5-5) vs. Lamarvelous (6-4)

David and his "Lamarvelous" squad are hotter than a fire on a Friday night with a 130.4-point demolition. Lamar Jackson played like a fantasy god, putting up 32.9 points and making it look easy. Bijan Robinson rushed like there was no tomorrow, scoring 27.9 points. Even with Jaylen Waddle’s miserable -1 rush yards and DeAndre Hopkins’ weak 7.6 points, the team soared. Minnesota’s defense brought some joy with a solid 13 points, and Travis Kelce stole the tight end show with 16.4 points. Six wins in a row—David's team is steamrolling toward the playoffs.

Steve's "Another 'quon Bites the Dust" is living up to its name and then some, with a faint 104.78 points while bleeding out in a tragic five-game losing streak. C.J. Stroud's NFL potential seemed lost with just 11.78 points. Diontae Johnson might as well have been a statue grabbing a pitiful 1.1 points. Fortunately, Mark Andrews provided a glimmer of hope with 15.8 points, while Buffalo's defense valiantly tried to salvage the wreckage with 19.0 points. Tyrone Tracy Jr.'s promising 14.9 points were squandered alongside the ghost of Saquon Barkley's former self, wallowing in 8.3 points. This team feels like they're hiking downhill—blindfolded.

Say What? (5-6) vs. Panda Mom (7-4)

Alright, listen up, you bozos, because this ain't your grandma's bingo game. Sarah's "Panda Mom" is strutting like a boss with 173.18 points. Justin Herbert delivered the goods with 24.38 points, but it was Joe Mixon acting like a made man, racking up 34.3 points with more dominance than a capo at a sit-down. And who's Chris Boswell? Just a kicker who thinks he's the Don with 24 points—unheard of, but he made it happen. Houston's defense added insult to injury with 19. Panda Mom's on a sizzling win streak, tearing up the field three games running.

Now, "Say What?", you need to rethink your mafia career after this embarrassment—101.3 points? That's laughable and not in a funny Scorsese way. Stafford wishes he was on Jimmy's boat with 27.8 points, and Barkley's 32.8 points were practically for nothing. McLaurin’s and Ferguson’s combined 3.1 points have less action than a bad heist story. As for Ryan, with two losses in his pocket, even Stafford's arm couldn't shake your losing streak. And let's not forget you benched Jordan Addison, who danced his way to 13.6 points while Terry McLaurin delivered like a broken slot machine. Get it together, Ryan, or you'll be sleeping with the fantasy fishes.

“Where ever you got that summary recap from I want another one for this week since I'm kicking your ass!”

“I wanna know who writes these because they're hilarious.”